Further losses

I lost entirely the desire to live and wanted to take my own life, cutting my throat with my Swiss army knife. In this endeavour, I failed miserably, and was made all the more miserable for not being brave enough to take my own life. My alcohol counselor, Ginger Jordan, the former nun who eventually dropped her habit to marry one of her professors, and who related to me the angst felt by the mob hit man (whom she named not) who had to get drunk before he killed those he had been ordered to execute (must have had a pretty steady hand to make such good shots, assuming, perhaps wrongly, that he was a shooter, and assuming even further, against, perhaps wrongly, that he was a he, was entirely unimpressed. Perhaps she had other clients who were far more competent when it came to the taking of their lives.

In point of fact, she was probably a nice enough human being, but, as far as providing any meaningful counseling, she was a worthless cunt, and, coming from me, that is a pretty harsh judgment, because that pussy thing ought to be worth a fortune, to anyone willing to shake the money maker.

Gingah, dahlin', you ought not to divulge such confidences - but, you couldn't help yourself, could you, you just had to let me know, just like the little kid who discovers for the first time the intense pleasure of touching his own penis and goes out and about sharing his self-touched penis for all to see.

Christ, how do such people become therapists? The Rapists? Sick fucks all, themselves, no doubt.

But in my loss of the desire to live
I gained the knowledge that even a life not worth living
Was a life worth keeping, or, far the more likely, I learnt
that the Lord God Almighty loved (and continues to love
in that steadfast way as is repeatedly promised to us) me
enough to send his most powerful archangels to keep open
that crack where still, a little light could get in
and while even though life might not have been worth living
life was worth something, even to me, who was worthless,
ugly, wicked, manipulative, deceitful, perverted, yes,
despite (or maybe even because) of the seeringly deep soul searching
that I have engaged in over the years, especially intensely at times,
depsite all that, I have GAINED the knowledge that I AM,
and ALWAYS WILL BE, a child of the Lord of Love, perfectly formed
in HIS IMAGE, and that I am (and always have been, and always will be)
GGGGGGGGGGGOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOODDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!